Anxiety is a very crippling, and hard thing to work through.
I let it trip me up yesterday. And… to be honest, sitting here to discuss it instead of loading my dishwasher and clearing my counters is testament to the fact that it’s still troubling me, although to a lesser degree.
Because… housework. And cooking! It doesn’t do itself, you know.
Perhaps a brisk walk in the lingering, cool, spring air to collect fresh vegetables from the grocery store once the stock has begun simmering… anything to feed this wanderlust.
Stress though… you know? Everyone has stress. Not everyone is willing to talk about it. The other evening, I cracked beneath the weight of it, and as a result, yesterday I could not cope.
Such great pressure I’ve put on myself! I should be kinder, surely. My house is an embarrassment and dinner to be made… beef purchased for stew and the stock requires time in order to perform. All the while, the minutes slip away on writing my book proposal…
Food, sleep, and a bit of time, however, is all that is needed to put everything in perspective.
What are their motivations? A good friend asked. I thought I had an answer, but there was a hole in it. If you want something badly enough, what do you do with it once you have it? A rogue thought struck me and nearly bowled me over this morning. I have it. I KNOW now, what I’m doing, in the broad, general sense of the term. Fine details will come later, but I’m excited now!
Two nights ago it was ice cream and tears, and “Am I insane? What am I doing? Maybe I’m delusional that I’m capable” …which is what the title to this entry actually FIRSTalluded to. As I’ve let it pour out of me, quitting when the going gets hard ISN’T the problem, it’s allowing anxiety to strangle me in a choke hold. Running in abject fear is… normal… to various degrees. We all do our best to avoid stress.
But I’m not quitting. Not this time.
I am ready to write a book proposal! …Right after the counters are cleared and dinner has begun. ;)