We are a sum of our parts, we are told.
A product of nurture vs. nature.
~~~~~

Science now tells us that anxiety, and terror ~ our life experiences! ~ alter our DNA… that our past literally weaves itself into our very essence, and therefore becomes passed down to our offspring.

The good news is, nurture can correct a lot of this, although not all of it, unfortunately. So while I worry about how my high-strung nature affects my daughters in myriads of ways… that’s incidental to the issue that’s currently plaguing me.

“Why do you always have to be the victim?”
“You think the world is out to get you.”
“You always take things the very worst way.”

And yet, no, I don’t believe that.
I work hard to defend the other person and see their side; I think the only thing that’s changed in twenty years is having less energy to be choked up about their opinion when I have tried repeatedly to appease them, to seemingly no avail.

So when is it gas lighting? Or am I truly off my rocker, as it were?

I have so much difficulty at times, trying to decide between the two.

I did grow up in a home where fault was parcelled out in heavy measure. Survival depended on being as invisible as possible.

“Things will get better when you move out.”
“Your relationship with your family will improve.”

Ah, right. This is where such projections and helpful advise goes sideways. Verbal abuse is… scarring. Does this make me a martyr? Clearly there are people in my life who hold this opinion. It has now been ten, twelve years since I removed myself from that situation, and yet I am still affected by it.

“What is order for the spider is chaos for the fly.”

If I am to die by the letter of the law, then let me live by it.  Say what you mean, and more importantly mean what you say. Those are two disparate things.

Quite frankly it is frustrating to be painted as neurotic and delusional. If you can’t be consistent, how can I trust what you say? All too often I feel as if I’ve been garroted for an answer I’d “accept” and not the truth of the matter, which only makes your next reply circumspect.

So when is it gas lighting?

Maybe it’s gas lighting when I feel myself going crazy trying to find consistency that isn’t there, for all you claim it. Maybe that neuroticism stems from coughing up, “I don’t remember saying that” ad nauseum.

‘Cause I tell you: it makes a person feel fucking crazy.